One of the false beliefs that was ingrained in me in childhood is: I am not enough.
I can tell you a vivid picture of where it came from.
When my dad left - moved out. (This was before he left for good - just a vacation from the family of sorts.) He was staying in an apartment less that 2 miles from our house. My mom took me up to visit him. He was sitting on the floor of an empty apartment with a phone and a lamp. Period. I begged him to come home. And he gave me the "this isn't about you. you don't understand." speech. I remember thinking, "THIS is more than me. This empty apartment is better than me."
Sometimes when my parents would fight they would go out into the garage. I would stand at the door singing songs from Annie at the top of my lungs. I remember thinking, "maybe if I'm adorable enough, dad won't leave."
Well, he left.
I was not enough.
Even today, I find myself in arguments with my husband saying, "It's like I'm not enough."
So, when I am already plagued with these thoughts, you can imagine the horror when you have a mother who writes out your worst fears about yourself as fact. I am not enough.
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5 comments:
Your post made me cry. I continue to pray that the scars of your childhood will be washed away... No one deserves what you went through.
Sweet girl, you ARE enough! I, too, battle those same voices in my head, and satan sure has a way of getting in there, doesn't he??? I am so sorry about what you have gone through...I know your post today probably only barely scratches the surface. Just know this, you ARE precious to God and He loves you more than anyone ever could. I will be praying for you...I'm here anytime you want to chat! (email me for my phone number if you want it!)
Ellen...you are ENOUGH! You are beautiful and funny and kind and raising wonderful daughters. Your sweetness comes through on your blog and so does your desire to be a good and involved mom to those girls!
I have struggled with the EXACT same issue and you know what? I don't know if you ever get over being abandonded by a parent. It still blows my mind, especially as a parent myself. But, what I do know is that whatever is going on between you and your mom, and whatever she says...that is on her. You are not responsible for her words. And no matter how much they hurt, you cannot take them personally. YOU CAN NOT.
Have you ever read the Four Agreements? That book changed my life. Here is a brief summary of it at this link.
http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html
I would love to send you a copy. It truly is the best advice I ever recieved in dealing with all the insane family 'stuff.'
And like Amanda's comment before mine, if you need someone to chat who won't offer an "opinion" I would love for you to give me a call.
Take care of yourself.
love, Lisa
Oh Ellen, I am so sorry that you have been forced to wrestle through all of these things and how I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better. After reading your post, I'm praying that God will be the filler of your empty places.... oh, that you would know that so often, He looks at you and is SO PLEASED with you. Of course, we all muck it up at times.... however, am pryaing that you only take responsibility for your own stuff and place the burdens that lie with your parents and your husband off of your own. I'm in the middle of Angela Thomas' study, "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" and just am tearing apart her words regarding the fact that when our moms and dads mess it up, it gives us a mountain to crawl over when it comes to how we view ourselves.
Hang in there, friend. I debated about commenting, but wanted you to know that you are not alone and that others care about your struggle. Better days are coming! I believe that for you, dear one. (((HUGS!)))
ellen, you ARE enough. God has filled you up to the brim. you are overflowing. your girls can't imagine a better mom. your husband can't imagine a better wife. you're not perfect, but you are enough. i pray that your healing will continue. and please be reminded that you have a lot of friends out here who love you. heck man, i wasn't enough for my dad to ever even marry my mom - or tell his wife and kids about me... so in a very real way, i can relate to you. i love you, dear friend, and am giving you a gigantour (i like to make up words) hug right now!
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